Monday, October 24, 2011

Exercise the Demons!

Well, isn't that special??? (in my best church lady voice).

I have been struggling with my desire to be active in church.  There are several reason, but when it boils down to it, I just don't want to go.  I don't want to participate.  I don't want to deal with it.  I'm not questioning my faith or beliefs.  I still have a testimony.  (So Mom, don't worry).  ;)  I'm just tired and frankly, being lazy when it comes to nurturing my spiritual self.  Over this past year, I've been maybe once a month to church.  And that one time a month I go, I hate it the whole time.  It's not the doctrine, but with my emotion switch off, I'm not feeling the Spirit like I used to.  I'm sure that playing Words With Friends instead of listening hasn't helped the situation either.  ;)

As I was texting with my friend this morning, she reminded me that even if there isn't feeling there, that I need to go through the motions and it will come.  Ugh.  And I'm ugh-ing because I know she's right.  I'm ugh-ing because I've told the same thing to different friends and family at different times when they were feeling the same way I'm feeling now.  I hate it when I have to take my own advice!

So what is my plan, you ask?  Fake it 'til I make it.  Starting today, I am committing to reading my scriptures 20 minutes a day whether I like it or not.  I know hope that as I put the time and effort in, my heart will soften and I will feel the Spirit again.  If I don't want to do it for me, I need to do it for my children.

Whenever I see progress, I will report back.

On a happy note for the day, I've lost another pound, taking my weight loss total to 9.2 lbs!  When I hit 10 lbs gone, I'm treating myself to a pedicure.  :D


Elena said...

Hi Nicole-
I'm glad you're back to blogging. While I haven't taken the FB death plunge, I have thought about it.
As to this post, I went through a stage like that. I went every week and even read my scriptures every day. But I didn't READ my scriptures. I perused while focussing on whatever else was on my mind. I felt overwhelmed with my life as a mother sometimes and saw church as more work. So, my only advice is to hang in there and put the work into it. Because the work does bring the reward. Really, it does. Although Relief Society bores the guts out of me - no matter how interesting the lesson is.

Heather VDB said...

I can't do it Nicole. I can't force myself to get out of bed to go. I don't want to. For me, it's definitely more of a spiritual rebellion. I can't sit there and be surrounded by people who say they're so worried about me or they've missed me....yet they don't speak to me outside of church. They will throw their faith around when it fits the point they're trying to make, but then when rubber hits the road, they're hateful, judgmental, and downright mean. I've even tried other churches. But I truly believe it has come down to the fact that Christianity isn't for me. My blog the other day about was about changing teams...not THAT kind of team ;)....I'm researching. I want to be fed. I want to be so full of spirit that it comes dripping out.

I just don't know where to get it. :(

Nicole said...

heather, you are going to find imperfect humans everywhere regardless of religion. maybe church and Christianity aren't for you. I do believe that we all need spiritual nourishment in some form though. we are spiritual creatures and need that.

you should have the missionaries from our church over. they'll let you know all about feeling the spirit. (this is non-numb nicole speaking from the grave). :P

MZP said...

Nicole- I thought this was a great post. Honestly ever since dan was called into the bishopric I have really had a hard time with church. And sundays are my worst day of my whole week - the opposite of a day of rest. I know I have let myself get so caught up in the logistics of church (getting kids ready by myself, wrestling through sacrament and trying not to burst into tears in frustration EVERY week) that I've forgotten about the reasons behind going to church. I am in need of the spiritual nourishment and I honestly can't depend on church to give it to me.It's got to take place at home. I like your plan and I think I will copy you.

Rush~ said...

another transparent and relatable post. i'm an un-churched ex-missionary. in short, total heathen in most people's opinion who are churched. :) i've had a weird journey for sure but i'm at peace with it. i totally believe what you said about us being spiritual creatures (in the comment/response) and needing that connection. i think we are hard wired for that as much as we are for relationships in general with other people. praying you find that spiritual place you seek/desire. <3

Nicole said...

spot on rushia.

and melissa....i feel ya! although you have it harder than me with younger kids. at least you have 11 am church and not 9. ;)

Debbie said...

I've been going through similar struggles with church also. For me, teaching in Primary has been so rewarding. I've not been in Primary for over 20 years and the simplicity of the lessons and those the truths we sing in those songs, has been very healing for me.
I think Pres. Uchdorf's talk about the FogetMeNots was spot on...especially about the "why" of the gospel. His message rings with so much truth and hope.
I'm a big fan of consistancy and 'walking the walk' and know that rewards will come. Heavenly Father is anxious to bless us and the world is anxious to keep us down, numb, and apathetic. The natural man is truly an enemy to God. Keep up the is worth it and so are you! Love you sweetie!