Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Over haulin'


I'm about to bear my soul, so if you don't want know it all, then please stop reading now, head on over and waste some time playing Angry Birds

Since turning 30 a few years ago, I feel like my life has been on a downward spiral.  There have been some good things, but there have been a lot of bad things too.  The big jump start of my downward journey was the birth of my fourth child.  She did not push me over the edge, but the post-partum depression did.  Man...it was B-A-D!  Luckily, I saw the warning signs and got to my doctor and got on some anti-depressants.  They have helped over the past few years (almost 3), but it has gotten to the point where I am pretty much numb and apathetic.  I didn't care about anything.  Not a good place to be.

I had gained about 40 pounds and hit a number on the scale that I never though I would see staring back at me.  How did this happen???  I have NEVER had to watch what I ate...it just simply would disappear.  But stuff had started hanging around, on my hips, on my butt, on my belly, on my boobs (not complaining about that one!).  I was having to buy new, larger clothes.  I was getting a double chin.  My arms were growing wings.  Things were NOT pretty.  Ugh!

Seeing all these outward changes forced me to look at my inward changes.  You can't have one without the other.  I had a BAD case of the blahs.  Really bad.  I didn't give a flip about anything.  Nothing excited me.  Nothing moved me.  Blah.  I couldn't even fake it anymore (which I am an EXPERT at).  So what was my deal??  Come on Nicole!  THINK!!!!

I wanted to blame the anti-depression meds (aka Lexapro), and I'm sure that it contributed, but in all honesty, I had shut myself down.  I had gone through a lot of painful emotions and my go-to escape for that is to turn my emotion chip off.  It's better not to feel anything than feel the pain, right?  That's at least how I've coped with painful stuff my entire life.  It scares me because I fear that I don't know how to feel since I've done it for so long.  Time will tell I suppose.

Now, what's a girl to do?  What is a chubby, emotionless, blah girl to do?  The same thing a fabulous, hot, and vivacious girl would do!


Yep, I'm throwing all my excuses out the window.  I'm trashing all the crap and replacing it with good. I'm getting off my Lexapro.  Weaning
down of course.  I've started exercising and watching what I eat. I've already lost 8 pounds....WOOHOO!!!!  I got off of my virtual escape, aka Facebook.  I'm making myself do things that I don't want to do, like laundry and the dishes.  I've gone back to school.  (Yeah, I know that I went back a year ago, so it might not count as a new change, but that is one of the good things I've done in the past year).  I'm trying to figure out who I want to be as a person, as a mother, as a friend.  (Sorry if you are looking to this blog to see pics of my SUPER-cute kids, but this one's for ME).  It is time to get rid of blah Nicole and find the ROCKIN' Nicole!!!  


Heather VDB said...

Get out of my head, little lady!

I've learned that it truly is a minute by minute CHOICE to keep going.

You can do it!! BTW, you ARE a fabulous, hot, vivacious girl, at least that's how I see you. I pray that you'll have moments of clarity that let you see it too. <3

Nicole said...

thanks girl. :)

Suzanne said...

LOVE you! And love your honesty. It's hard to be honest about where we are in life especially when it's not where we want to be. I can't tell you how proud I am of you for doing so many hard things and becoming the person you want to be. So many prayers for you...keep up the hard and good work!

Allison Black said...

I am so happy for you sis. I have been where you are and it is HARD!! I so admire you for being so honest and motivated. I love that you are willing to bare your soul and be so real. You know that depression is a constant struggle for me and it does come down to the daily choice to check in or just go through the motions.
I do have to thank you for getting me at least interested in exercising again. I can totally relate. Chubby me has enough butt for 3 people and could totally pass for being about 5 months preggo. I need to get my butt in gear....keep that motivation coming sis.

Nicole said...

thanks to my sisters! you guys are awesome! thanks for the encouraging words. :) <3 ya!

Anonymous said...

I tried to comment on this last night. It didn't work. I'm trying again. I wanted you to know that I admire your brave posts here and so relate. I'm cheering for you, girl. ROCK ON NICOLE! Love, Rush

Debbie said...

I've finally been able to spend some time on the computer and have started reading your blog. This post is powerful and amazing, just as you are. I know you can make your way through this thick dark cloud but it will take time. Remember to acknowledge your successes, regardless of how small they may seem. You are earning those achievements and you need to pat yourself on the back...not kick yourself in the hiney because you think things should be happening faster. This is your journey...the Lord will bless you with help along the way, especially when you feel like giving up. Trust in Him and He will not let you down. Love you my amazing, hot, vivacious, beautiful daughter!

Anonymous said...

um, ur mom is totally awesome. with that kind of support..... u sooo got this muggle.


Bellas Hair Bows said...

Nicole, you are not alone, life is full of ups and downs and for me I go through a really tough post partum period. Having my mom diagnosed with cancer didn't help much either but I find that you just have to get up and make yourself go, walk, get a hair cut or what ever works for you. I do have to say that for some taking a med is necessary and very helpful. Some work and some don't. It is always my goal to be med free but I thank God there are meds to help when even though I knew I needed to force myself to get up and "just do it", I couldn't. I am in a good place right now and I am happy that you have made some postive changes in your life. I just rambeled on and on but wanted you to know you are not alone and that I am cheering you on! God Bless! - Karen